Surviving a Scary Movie
Ever find yourself at a scary movie warning people on the screen to "Look behind you" or "Don't go into the house." If so, this is for you. The following are helpful hints on how to survive a scary movie.
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER, ever check to see if it's really dead. In fact, shoot it until the gun is empty. Or stab it until you cannot lift the knife anymore. Under no circumstances turn your back on the monster thinking it is dead. If you do, it will be gone.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, or was once a church that was used for black masses, or had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some sort of hideous fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately. They're here. They're really here. Listen to Carol Ann.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice.
Despite the fact that you are running at full speed and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden blocks on your counter top.
When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!
Never back out of one room into another without looking. The creature will always be behind you.
Never, ever, turn off a paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
Always check the back seat of your car before jumping in to escape the monster. You know it will be in the back seat.
Never say that you'll be right back because you won't. No one ever comes back.
If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, exit immediately.
If looking into a mirror, you see a different room than the one you are in, exit immediately.
If looking into a mirror you see a figure other than yourself looking back, Exit immediately.
If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.
If a house you are in, or are approaching, speaks to you to "GET OUT!" leave immediately. Don't investigate any further.
Never have sex in the haunted house. Stay chaste. The sluts are the first to go.
Never, ever, flash your tits or moon your friends, or the farmer off in the distance holding a pitchfork.
Never answer the phone in a house that you do not own. It isn't the lottery commission telling you that you won.
If you hear eerie pipe organ music, get out and leave immediately.
Don't go back into the house or go into a house you think a murderer might be!
If someone tells you not to go into the house, car, grave yard, or whatever, heed their warning and stay put.
Never taunt the axe wielding maniac. It never ends the way you want.
If you hear the sound of "Che che che che che" and you are in the woods, then what the hell are you doing in the woods......
If your friends tell you that you must stay awake, for gods sake man, stay awake.
If writing appears on walls in the house with warnings, its time to move on.
If the house fills up with flies or locusts, catch the next taxi.
If the local small town sheriff only has three teeth, thank him profusely and turn around and get out of his county right away.
Never, ever, pick up a hitch hiker, even if its pouring down rain and the person looks harmless. They will maim you and cook you for supper.
If you open a kitchen closet and find meat hooks, do not stay for dinner.
If someone screams, "Don't let it touch you," for gods sake man, run.
If you are in the woods and wonder upon a group of people in black capes dancing and singing strange songs by a camp fire, do not join in. And do not under any circumstance reveal that you or someone in your party is a virgin.
Don't hide in the closet...thats the first place they look!
If you get a warning via phone, fax, or email not to go somewhere, or do something, heed the warning.
If someone asks if you believe in ghosts, spirits, demons, or devils, for gods sake answer, yes I do.
When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.
Let it be known that any old wives tale, or an old hand me down urban legend, no matter how outlandish, will turn out to be true.
If someone announces that the house is clean, or the demon is gone, or the creature is dead. Don't believe it. Someone will be killed within the next several minutes.
Never run upstairs to escape the monster. There's no way out. You will become trapped and an easy target. Run for the ground level door. Don't look back, keep running.
Never go outside to investigate a strange noise.
And, never, when entering a room ask if there are any demons in the room. You're in a god damn scary movie. Of course there's a demon in there